Dissociation
by Albion19
Summary: Jimmy returns to his family with no memory of who or where he is. Amelia can't shake the suspicion that it may not be Jimmy who has returned to her. Set after 7x02, AU. Jimmy/Amelia/Castiel.
1. Chapter 1

For a moment he was nothing, a void as wide and expansive as the sky. He didn't know who, what or where he was; only a sense of peace rippled through his being. This is what it's like before being born, he thought...

This lasted a moment before the knowledge that he was drowning slithered into his mind. It was an unwelcome reality, one that he wanted to ignore. He could die here and maybe that would be for the best. He had done so much damage. He had betrayed his friends, his family. He had no home.

_Family...go home._

The thought was far away, a whisper from across a quiet room, but in the emptiness that was his mind it was startlingly clear. He thrashed in the water, lungs burning for air and suddenly his body and mind were not his own.

With a huge force of will he kicked and struggled as the darkness that ringed him closed in and he knew no more.

* * *

><p>"It's down the corridor, first door you come to on your right." Amelia smiled at the young woman who squinted down the hall nervously. The girl was here for her music recital, violin case clutched in hand. Amelia looked at her encouragingly and patted her shoulder. "You'll be ok, trust me. You better not keep them waiting. Good luck."<p>

The girl nodded and walked down the corridor and was gone. Amelia sighed and sat back down behind the reception desk. She had been working here for a few months and had seen many nervous musicians and dancers. She always felt a flush of sympathy for them but also a strange pang of jealousy. Nerves before a test that decided their professional future was the worst fear they'll likely experience and for that they had no idea how lucky they were.

This job was a keystone for her, something stable and normal that somehow existed along with the peculiarities she now finds herself living with. For instance she keeps a packet of salt with her wherever she goes and makes sure that Claire carries some with her to school. Though her daughter was certainly more hesitant to take those "crazy" precautions that she follows.

It's been over a year now, a year since she had seen him. She sometimes finds herself imagining what would happen if he had never left and as her desires and longing lead down impossible paths she would scold herself for being foolish. She had a life of her own to live and that wouldn't be possibly if she kept looking back for what was gone.

"He's not coming back."

"What?"

Amelia turned to her work colleague sitting beside her and smiled, shaking her head. "Nothing Paul, talking to myself. Again."

"Not a good sign."

Amelia shrugged. "I'm never bored."

"Well as long as you don't start having full conversations with yourself we're all...sir? Can I help you?" Paul was looking over the reception desk, his eyes wide with shock. Amelia turned and blinked, the setting sun in her eyes. It had turned the figure in front of them into a silhouette. He seemed to be pointing at them. He spoke.

"Wife? My wife?" He was soaking wet, his suit dripping water all over the floor. For a moment she wondered if he had fallen into the river outside and dragged himself out. Or been dragged out. She narrowed her eyes as he shuffled closer and found herself getting to her feet. He looked like he had been in a fight, blood running down his skin and soaking into his clothes. He was a few feet before them, swaying alarmingly, before Amelia formed the words that were screaming in her head.

"Jimmy? Jimmy!"

His eyes rolled back into his head and he collapsed. Amelia was by his side in seconds, clutching at his wet suit with pale shaking hands. As she checked to see if he was breathing Paul called for an ambulance. Amelia leaned close to his face. The whites of his eyes were visible below his eye lashes but she could feel short, shallow breaths against her cheek. She said his name again, cupping his face and his eyes began to flicker open and he was suddenly looking at her in great confusion.

"You're my wife?" His voice was croaky, rough.

"Yes, yes. It's me Jimmy." She brushed his damp hair back, wondering where the blood was coming from. She caught him frowning and froze. Tentatively she leaned very close and whispered so only he could hear. "It is you, isn't it? Or is it...Castiel?" She pulled back to look at his face but he had fallen unconscious and her question was left unanswered.

Frightened and confused she clutched tightly at the body of her husband as the sound of sirens drew ever closer. 

* * *

><p><em><em>

_Note_

I didn't like the way that Castiel/Jimmy's story was concluded on the show (at least for now I hope) so I wrote this. I've wanted to write "what happens if Jimmy returns but Amelia is unsure if it's really him" for a long, long time now lol.

I might update with more but if I do just to let any possible readers know that it will be sporadic, sorry.


	2. Chapter 2

His eyes opened and once again he was doused in a mild panic, unsure where he was or how he got there. But those worries were forgotten when pain seared through his body, making him groan. He caught movement to his left and turned his head on the pillow to see a woman pushing a small red button. Almost immediately a blissful numbness spread through his body and he relaxed.

"Is that better?"

He nodded and gazed at her for a long time. The attention must have made her uncomfortable because she shifted in her seat and stared at her hands. She was around the same age as himself, small boned and with blond-reddish hair. He's suddenly struck not with a memory but a sensation: the slip of smooth hair through his fingers. He blinked and cleared his throat and she looked back at him.

"I'm sorry, I don't know your name." He asked in apology, wincing.

She became very still, her features like a mask and he felt even more guilty. "Amelia. Novak." She fiddled with a wedding ring and he looked at his own hands which were bare and frowned, embarrassment rising. She saw his expression and leaned closer to him, staring earnestly. "We're married, don't worry." She gestured to his bare finger with a shrug that wanted to be unconcerned but wasn't. "I guess you must have lost it."

"How long have we been married?"

"Fourteen years gone this spring."

"A long time."

"Yeah" She smiled, eyebrows raised and tentatively rested her hand on his. With gentle, hesitant movements he trailed his fingers along hers. He did this over and over again, seeming to get lost in the sensation. Emotions flickered over her face like a flame as she saverd the feeling. Gradually he looked back at her, eyes strange and glossy.

"Is - is it just us or -"

"No, we have a daughter. Her name is Claire. She's thirteen now" He inhaled a long breath and exhaled it shakily. His eyes began to sting and he felt overwhelmed. More then anything he felt ashamed.

"I should remember her, I should know that!" He gritted his teeth and stared at her sorrowfully. Amelia moved to sit beside him and leaned her head down to his.

"I was waiting to tell you, the doctor's said that it can be too much of a shock at first. We thought about easing you into it instead of pushing you in. Honestly I don't think I can keep her away, or want to...but officially you don't know."

"To late." He laughed weakly and she kissed the side of his head. Suddenly he wanted to kiss her, hold her but with a final squeeze of her hand she sat back in the chair but kept their fingers interlocked. Finally feeling more settled he asked her the question that had plagued him since he woke up. "Who am I?"

Again her face settles into that blank, Buddha like mask and he didn't know what she was thinking. But it was familiar and that gave him comfort.

"Who do you think you are?"

"I dunno. I feel like it's there, the knowledge but it's as if there's a ceiling or something that's stopping me from knowing." He grew agitated and nervous, gripping her hand tighter and she drew close, shushing him in a cooing voice.

"It's ok. You knew who I was and in time you'll begin to remember more. What _do_ you remember?"

He tilted his head in thought. "I remember...water and than standing by a river. I walked down a street until I reached where I knew you'd be."

"How did you know I'd be there?"

He shrugged. "That's where you work."

"I started working there recently. You didn't know that. At least _I _never told you..." She regarded him with a soft scrutiny for a moment and he was left puzzled. Finally she smiled, shaking her head, "Anything else?"

He sighed and closed his eyes, resting back into the pillows. He tried not to focus on the dull ache that was his body, or the room or even his wife but instead focused on making his mind dark and blank, willing something to cross it. Softly something did.

"Snow. The sting of the cold against my skin. I was going somewhere, I think." He smiled, pleased to remember something. Amelia smiled in return but again there was something guarded about it. He frowned at her. "What's my name?" She hadn't called him anything since he woke up he realised.

For a moment he thought she wouldn't tell him. "James but everyone calls you Jimmy." He tested it aloud, willing it to be familiar but he couldn't ignore that something wasn't quite right. He gazed at her and tilted his head, staring intently. Amelia blinked and after a long tense moment where he thought Amelia was going to leave she reached over and gently placed her hand against his cheek instead.

"I missed you."

* * *

><p>Witnesses claimed that they had seen a man standing by the bank of the Vermilion river, his black suit soaked through. No one had seen him emerge from the river but where else had he come from? He had then staggered slowly across the street and disappeared around a corner. Others had seen him enter the Academy so it appeared that he <em>did<em>make his way on foot.

Amelia sat beside her sleeping husband in the taxi, mind going over how he came to be in such a state. He had suffered some internal injuries, all of which had been treated but his body was a collage of blue, black and yellow bruises. Numerous tests confirmed that he didn't appear to suffer from any serious brain damage but that didn't negate from the fact he couldn't remember his own birthday. The doctor's had suggested that a possible cause of his amnesia could be due to trauma, that he may have experienced something that he couldn't deal with so his brain had pulled a sheet down over it.

"He walked there, he's not healing...I think it's dad." Claire whispered very quietly, clutching her father's hand as he slept and looked at her mother who nodded in agreement. Claire had been extremely eager to see her father again and as soon as the doctor's had said he was ready they had been reunited. The sight of his face when he had seen Claire had made Amelia reel with happiness. It wasn't just joy at the sight of her that Jimmy expressed but also relief that he could remember her.

Amelia kept her voice low. "I think you're right. When he's well enough to tell us we'll hopefully know what happened..." The doctor had informed her that it would be a long, difficult process to help Jimmy regain his memory but having his family around him was only a good thing. She and Claire had discussed what they should tell Jimmy and what they should hold back on for now. They couldn't just start talking about angels and possession and expect him to be able to deal with those memories, most of them she knew to be horrific. No they had to be careful and maybe with any luck they could spare Jimmy from any painful memories. At least if they were Jimmy's memories...

"He remembered you mom, he hadn't forgotten." Claire smiled and continued to watch her dad sleep while Amelia leaned back, sighing. She didn't want to speak aloud the thoughts that had been troubling her. Not that Jimmy had somehow knew where she and Claire had moved to and knew where she worked. It was possible that Castiel had dropped off Jimmy there and then left him but it didn't sit right with Amelia. Why would he leave Jimmy half dead like that? Why didn't he heal him or at least take him to a hospital? As those thoughts swirled around her mind Amelia willed her eyes to close and for sleep to settle.


	3. Chapter 3

Amelia stood nervously in the hallway of their new house, hands clutched together. She was waiting for his opinion, one he wasn't sure he could give. She had informed him that she and Claire had recently moved across Illinois, where a job was offered to her. Claire had told him, when her mother wasn't listening, that their old neighbours had shunned them like freaks. She wouldn't say anymore then that and Jimmy was left to wonder.

"It's smaller then our old house. After you left I could just about afford to pay the mortgage but the house felt cold, bigger. We didn't need all that space."

He smiled approvingly, looking around the walls that called out for paint and wallpaper. "I like it...our old house was blue, black and white, the interior?"

"Yes," said Amelia happily, moving closer to him. "You said it looked like a big bruise. I guess this place could be warmer." Her smile faltered when she saw him wincing and helped him to sit. On her knees she looked up into his face, one that hadn't changed in over two years. Sometimes she imagined being in her seventies and waking up one morning to find her husband standing over her, not a day over thirty five.

He cocked his head, regarding her softly. "You still don't call me Jimmy...I know there's something that you're not telling me, you and Claire."

"I'm sorry. I just don't know if -" She broke off, head shaking and he gripped her shoulders. Amelia was calm and collected, a patient woman. At first it seemed that nothing really affected her, she was so poised but he knew that wasn't true. She just had a very good poker face. He knew all this intrinsically. So the tiny flickers of fear were clear for him to see and he was bewildered. He brushed her hair back behind her ear and smiled, relenting. He never wanted Amelia to be frightened of him.

"Let's make a deal. You give me a piece of information each day, no matter how small, and I'll work _really_hard to remember."

She chuckled and pouted. "I was thinking of something else."

"Yeah? Like what?" He leaned down to her mouth but she stood up. He caught a glimpse her flushed face and withheld a groan. He realised that he had been gone for a long time and things may be different for her but he wanted her. He got to his feet and caught her hand, gave her a look of pleading. "Please Amelia? Give me something?"

She sighed and nodded. "When you left, the first time, it was snowing. Claire saw you leave." Her voice was low, her face turned away. Quietly he prompted her for more.

"I left?"

She nodded. "You went missing, for a year."

Jimmy frowned. "A year? You told me it's been over two years."

"It has. You went missing for a year, you came back and then you left again." She turned to look at his confused face and regarded him with pity. Anger and betrayal would have been a more rational response. Pity made no sense.

"Why the hell would I leave you and Claire for almost three years?"

She smiled softly and it was achingly lovely to him, like a peak at something long hidden. "Don't blame yourself. The second time you left you had no choice."

He laughed and it was a strangled sound. "I have no fucking idea what you're talking about Amelia."

She winced. "I know. I don't want to hold back the truth from you but trust me; this has to be something that you remember on your own."

"Why?"

"Because I don't think you'd believe me if I did...and maybe you'll wish you didn't know."

He took her hands and spoke softly. "Did something traumatic happen in the past? Something you don't wanna say?"

She nodded in affirmation, silent and after gripping his hands tight she slipped away. 

* * *

><p>She didn't feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed as him yet and he had graciously accepted the guest room. Graciously might not be the right word, he had been disappointed and tried to hide it. To him it was due to years of being separated and that was half the truth. She was longing for him but the doubt that loomed between them stopped her from acting on it.<p>

The truth was she was suspicious that something still lurked within him that shouldn't. She tried to ignore it, told herself that she as being delusional but she couldn't pretend everything was normal. The fear of not having control over your own body was one that she knew well, fear that one day she'd wake up with blood on her hands. But in Jimmy's case it wasn't down to her paranoia. Not after what he had done, the angel.

At night, when she was sure Jimmy slept, she watched the scratchy piece of footage over and over again. A man in a trench coat covered in blood grinning up onto the camera. It was a grin full of insane joy. That wasn't her husband, she was sure of that. Jimmy's innocence was not what concerned her, it never had been. It was Castiel's. But even that suspicion felt wrong, she didn't want to believe he could be capable of such horror; but what did she know? He wasn't even human.

That was why she couldn't tell him the whole truth, not when he had been used to commit something as awful as that. As soon as Jimmy had resurfaced she had been expecting the police to come knocking but as the days stretched into weeks they never arrived. They still believed him to be dead and from what she had gathered they had no clue as to the identity of the man that had gone on a killing spree.

As soon as the reports of the killing spree had made the news she had tried to contact the Winchesters, only to find that the number they had provided was useless. She had no way to contact them, no help or assurances. No one to tell her what had happened to her husband.

One thing was for sure: he wasn't averse to salt. 

* * *

><p><em>The Garden. His family flicker through the trees, young and with no concerns. They tease him because he is so much smaller then they are but they love him as much as he does them, that he's sure of. They wait in the garden for their father to arrive and he brims with excitement.<em>

_Suddenly the warmth and light that had surrounded him vanishes and a bone chilling cold descends on him. He's alone, his family gone._

_No, they lie at his feet, crushed into the snow like broken birds._

"No!" Bolting awake Jimmy screamed, thrashing the covers aside on the bed. He heard the sound of a light click on from another room and watched as his door opened and Amelia entered softly.

"What's wrong?"

"I - I had a nightmare." He tried to regain control of his breathing but his heart pounded in his chest. He took hold of her arm as she sat beside him and he managed to smile. "I've imagined you sneaking in here at night but under _very _different circumstances."

She grinned. "Sorry to disappoint you...how does a kiss sound?"

"Something small?" He leaned up to her mouth and she pressed soft lips against his. He cupped her face, drawing her closer but she resisted and broke away. Jimmy sighed in frustration. "You're my wife."

"That doesn't mean you have a right." Her voice was firm but her eyes were playful. He slipped an arm around her waist, keeping her beside him. He spoke against her neck, breathing in the sent of her skin.

"It's been almost three years..."

"Years you can't remember."

"Trust me, what the mind can't remember the body does. You're not a saint Amelia..."

She sighed and sagged next to him. "I know and you're not alone. I'm just not ready yet, I'm not sure." She stayed curled up by his side and he was left wondering what she was unsure about. Instead of prodding for more he pulled her down gently, so that she lay next to him. Relieved that she didn't protest he drew her closer. Amelia hummed sleepily against his shoulder and he thought she had fallen asleep when she quietly asked him what his nightmare had been about.

"Well it started off as a dream, a good one. I was a kid, playing in this garden with my brothers and sisters. We were waiting for our dad to come home." As he spoke Amelia stiffened in his arms and he looked down at her face. She was frowning. "What?"

"You don't have any brothers or sisters."

"Oh...well it was just a dream." He rested his eyes, at ease with the feel of her in his arms. After a few minutes he drifted off to sleep but Amelia took longer, her mind going over what he had said.


	4. Chapter 4

Months passed and little by little he felt that he was settling back into his life. Memories came more regularly; some were small like recalling the year he graduated, the make of his first car and his favourite book. Others were larger, some not so welcome but whatever he remembered he was pleased because it felt like he was putting fragments of his life back together. Amelia was always anxious when he remembered something, which she tried to hide but the relief was palatable when the memories proved to be innocuous. She was watchful of him and he knew that it stemmed from concern but he couldn't shake the feeling that she was suspicious. He knew it had something to do with his past, the awful thing that had happened. The more he thought on it the more he realised that he didn't want to know, especially when his wife was so anxious about him remembering.

His life was back normal apart from one thing: the dreams. They had grown so frequent that he had become embarrassed to tell Amelia about them. He was a grown man and if he couldn't handle nightmares about monsters and other ridiculous things then he would need to start sleeping with a night light.

Amelia continued to work part time as a receptionist but most of her day was taken up with dance classes. She taught ballet to children, something, she informed him, that she had been doing for years. She had suffered an injury in her youth that had prevented her from going professional but she was happy with her work.

"The guy said the ring should be ready on Friday so I'll drive into town to get it. You'll have to take Claire to school." Amelia stopped at a light and turned to Jimmy in the passenger seat. Claire whined behind them that she was perfectly able to go to school on her own but her mother was resolute. Jimmy turned to look at Claire, smiling.

"Don't worry bub. Your mother is just scoping out the area for potential threats." He leaned closer and whispered conspiratorially. "She's not really a dancer, she's a spy." He placed a finger to his lips and winked. Claire laughed, rolling her eyes.

Amelia sighed theatrically. "Now honey why did you have to go and say that? You know what I have to do now..."

Jimmy grimaced with mock fear and was about to beg for mercy when the radio suddenly caught his attention. He leaned down and turned up the volume and then fiddled with the dial, frowning as he did.

"What is it?" Amelia's voice was level, controlled. Jimmy paid no mind to it.

"Can't you hear that?"

"Hear what? The news?"

Jimmy shook his head and sat back. "No, there were voices. At least that's what it sounded like..." He shrugged and moved the dial back into place. "Must have been interference."

"Yeah, interference…" Amelia looked into the rear view mirror to find her look of unease reflected back at her by her daughter. They drove on in a tense silence. 

* * *

><p>Amelia had work to occupy her days, Claire had school and her growing desire for sports but Jimmy was left home alone. His old job - salesman - was long gone and if he was honest it sounded completely boring. From what Amelia had told him he had only taken it to pay for the large house they lived in before. Now he had nothing to do and actually applying for jobs proved difficult.<p>

"Well, uh, you're considered dead on record." Amelia spooned a box of noodles into a bowl and sat at the table. It was late at night, Claire in her room. Jimmy took his bowl and jabbed with his chopsticks.

"I'm on record at the hospital, right? Sooner or later they're gonna realise I'm no longer missing, presumed dead." He said it dramatically but Amelia started into the distance with worry and he tilted his head. "What?"

She stared at him hard, considering and put down her food. "I have to tell you this. I dunno how to soften it...because of the traumatic thing that happened before its best that the police believe you're still dead."

"What?"

She winced and reached across for his hand. He stared at her in disbelief. Was this it? Was this the reason he saw her flinch away sometimes?

"When you came back the last time something happened - which was _not_your fault - and people...people ended up dead."

"What the hell?" He stood up, his food long forgotten. Amelia stood with him and tentatively took his arms in her hands but he was confused and scared. "What, do they think I killed someone? Did I?"

"No! No you didn't! Someone was trying to hurt us and you fought them off. Someone else killed them. They think you're still missing or dead."

"Why?" His nostrils were flared and he had become very still. He cocked his head and stared at her without blinking. Unnerved, Amelia took a step back but stood her ground.

"You - you were hurt," she swallowed, looking ill. "There was a lot of blood but you left. That was the last time I saw you."

He stared at her for a long time, taking in what she had said and then took his seat again, feeling drained and even more confused. He looked at her suddenly in reproach. "You never thought about telling me this? It might have been something I needed to know Amelia." His voice was heavy with sarcasm.

"I know, I know. I didn't wanna jog any unwanted memories."

"I'm an adult Amelia; I _think _I can handle it."

Her eyes became flinty and she let go of him. "Well that's nice for you, I wish I could. You know I'm not doing this to belittle you; I'm doing it to protect you. You resurface on the system and you could go to prison or worse."

"Or worse?" He laughed and she turned away. He sighed, rubbed his eyes. He was too tired for this. He stood, reached out and touched her shoulder and she stopped. Her body was stiff with tension. He spoke gently. "I know you're trying to help me but I can't live like this much more. I need to know."

She nodded and spoke with her back turned. "No matter how completely insane it sounds?"

"Well if you tell me I was abducted by aliens then I may cry bullshit. No hard feelings."

She laughed and turned and he embraced her, holding tight. "No hard feelings," Amelia muttered against his chest. "I'll tell you what I can but not tonight, ok? Sunday, I'll tell you than."

He agreed and kissed her mouth and even though the tension that had been there previously was diffused she was still too rigid in his arms. 

* * *

><p>She was being selfish, she knew that but the truth was she was almost jealous of his ignorance. To live without knowing of the evil that lurks in plain sight was not something she could regain and she felt cruel revealing that even angels could be disappointments.<p>

She had made a complete mess of telling him what had happened before. She had to omit so much. His best friend Roger was dead, killed because he held a knife to their daughter's throat and would have killed all of them if he had the chance. They only believed that Jimmy was dead because of the blood they found at the warehouse, even though no body was found.

Amelia knew Jimmy couldn't go on like this any longer, as much as she wanted to protect him. She was so nervous about how he would react if he remembered what Castiel had done. Would he breakdown? She had to believe he was strong enough and maybe slowly giving him more information would soften that hammer blow if it had to fall.

So when Sunday dawned and she found him planting bulbs for the spring, to relieve some pent up tension no doubt, she was prepared to tell him as gently as possible. She was within a few feet of him when she noticed he was talking to himself, very quietly. The words were clear but she couldn't understand them. A shiver crossed over her skin and she said his name softly but he didn't hear. She said it louder but he continued muttering to himself.

_Maybe he doesn't turn around because that's not his name_? She wanted to ignore that voice but instead she spoke up again.

"Castiel?"

He turned and looked up at her, his brows raised in query. Slowly he got to his feet and stared at her and she felt rooted to the earth. He observed her with such intensity that she felt her breath catch. He opened his mouth to speak but as he did he suddenly squeezed his eyes shut, as if in pain. He clutched his head in his hands and groaned.

"No, no!"

"Cas - Jimmy? What's wrong?" He had fallen to his knees and she followed him down, throwing an arm around his shoulders.

"I remember! I remember what happened to Roger." He looked up at her and his eyes were filled with tears. Even as the sight broke her heart she felt a wave of relief. It was Jimmy.

"I'm sorry, I tried to tell -"

"No, you don't understand. I knew, I've known for weeks! This - this can't be real." He still clutched at his head with a hand and Amelia took his other one. She pressed herself closer to him.

"What's not real?"

"I had nightmares, I told you about them before. This - this can't be a memory...I dreamed of him, of Roger but he - he was a monster. I attacked him." He stared at her with a look that begged her to prove him wrong.

"He was a monster?"

Jimmy nodded. "His eyes were black. So were Lisa's...what happened to her?" He asked suddenly. Lisa was Roger's wife; they had lived next door to each other for years.

"She - she had a breakdown. She's in a mental ward." Amelia rubbed her hands up and down his arms. He was shaking slightly.

"So - so those nightmares I've been having...are they real? Are monsters real?"

Amelia stared into his eyes and it pained her to see how broken he looked. She cupped his face and after an internal fight she nodded. Jimmy exhaled and shrunk next to her. He stared into her eyes in bewilderment.

"I don't understand."

"They were possessed by demons who wanted to kill us." To finally say it aloud, to speak of it in front of Jimmy was a huge relief.

"Demons are real?"

"Yes...and so are angels."


	5. Chapter 5

The day had grown dark and overcast and they moved from the garden to the kitchen. Claire was not back from her friend's yet but they spoke in furtive whispers, as if scared to be overheard.

"Was I really that religious?"

Amelia nodded, regarding him softly. He had sat and listened to her explain about Castiel and the Winchesters and what had happened the last time he had turned up. There were huge chunks that she couldn't fill in because she had no idea what had happened when he left. At first she thought he wouldn't believe her, not that she blamed him because it sounded ridiculous. But the more she explained the more emotional she got any disbelief he may have held dissipated. He knew she wouldn't lie, not when it affected her so much.

"You were always more devout then I was. I had faith but not in the way you experienced it. I envied you but then..." She trailed off, shaking her head.

"But then I started hearing voices?"

"One voice...you don't remember him?" She sat beside him as he slowly shook his head. They drank coffee with liberal amount of liquor added. After the third cup they were both quite tipsy.

"I dunno. Maybe I have remembered him but not known it was him. Does that make any sense?"

Amelia nodded. "I think so...maybe you have memories of things you did but maybe it wasn't you. You - you don't hear him anymore, do you? Because that time in the car..."

He remained silent, eyes troubled and dark. Finally he shrugged. "I don't know Amelia. Sometimes I think I catch this noise, like a group of people talking in another room but when I try to focus it goes. I thought - I _hoped_that maybe it was due to the amnesia. Maybe I was remembering things I heard in the past, you know?" He sighed and rubbed his fingers against the coffee cup in his hands "I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to sound crazy."

"You're not Jimmy. I didn't get to really apologise but I am sorry about what happened before. I wish I had believed you but..." she shook her head, gritting her teeth. "I guess I didn't wanna, it freaked me out and I was scared. I couldn't rationalise what was happening to you. I was angry."

"Angry?"

She hesitated for a long time, sipping at her coffee before speaking. "I felt, for a long time actually, that you were dissatisfied with your life, that you were bored. I thought that we weren't enough for you. When it started, when Castiel started to talk, you said it was the most important thing in your life and nothing else mattered. Your prayers for something more were answered."

"I said that?" He stared, appalled as she nodded sadly and he felt sick to his stomach. "I don't understand how I could have thought like that?"

Amelia smiled but it didn't reach her eyes. "If it makes you feel any better when you returned you were pretty repentant."

It didn't make him feel better. He clenched his jaw, shaking his head. "Still doesn't explain why I would want to leave you and Claire." She blinked and a dark thought settle on her face but she quickly rejected it. Jimmy leaned closer. "What?"

Amelia shook her head, not meeting his eyes. "No, I'm just feeling sorry for myself..." The alcohol already loosening her tongue she found herself confessing more. "I guess, I mean I began to think that maybe you drifting away from me was because we got married so young. Neither of us dated anyone else and maybe you grew to regre-"

"No! Don't think that." He stood up and pulled her into his arms. "I may not have all these memories that you have but I know I love you."

She smiled against his chest, relief sweeping through her. She never imagined that she would voice those doubts, that she would ever have the opportunity to do so but hearing him utter those words affected her more deeply than she believed possible. For the first time since he had returned she felt at ease with the man holding her.

Jimmy spoke into her ear, his hand stroking down her hair and back. "Is this why you've been kinda distant with me? You thought I didn't love you?"

She looked into his eyes and quickly shook her head. "No, it wasn't that. I guess I was paranoid. When you started hearing voices I thought it was going to start all over again."

"I'm not going anywhere Ames. Aliens are more likely to adduct me." He kisses her cheek and pulled back, the pupils of his eyes dilated with drink and a growing need.

She smiled and brushed her fingertips tenderly down his face. "Are you ok? You seem to be taking this a lot calmer then I envisioned."

"What - what's happening now has nothing to do with Castiel or demons are any other weird stuff. Ok, what happened to me must have screwed with my head but it's just memories Amelia. That's all. And..." he drew out the word, pulling her against him, "I'm drunk, so that may be the reason why I'm not freaking out." He kissed her forehead and then the corner of her mouth. She leaned against him and pressed her mouth against his. They tasted like coffee and brandy.

Amelia knew this wasn't something he could process or even accept yet and she didn't want to push him. If it was her she'd be clinging to any rational explanation that she could. So when he took her hand, drawing her from the kitchen she followed and found herself growing excited and nervous, as if it was the first time again. He kissed her, coming to a stop in her bedroom. Amelia returned his kisses with a groan but then broke off suddenly, looking at the clock on the wall.

"Claire will be back in like an hour."

"Then we better be quick..." He kissed her throat, drawing her hair back and she sighed, gripping his shoulders. She had missed this. With movements that gradually become feverishly fast they stripped each other of their clothes, meeting again in a clash of lust. He pinned her beneath him on the bed and kissed her with such fervour that she believed him when he said he could feel all those years of being celibate. But not as much as she did.

"Some nights I used to pray that you would appear." She didn't confess that sometimes in her fantasies it wasn't him. She pushed that guilty thought away and opened her mouth under his lips and he kissed her deeper. He pushed a hand between her thighs, spreading her legs and she gasped and jerked under him, groaning at him to continue, to hurry. Growling against her shoulder he slowly slid himself deep inside her. Amelia scratched her fingernails into his skin at the sensation; it felt so physically and emotionally intense to be able to do this with her husband again. He positioned himself up on his elbows and whispered if she was all right. Amelia nodded, happier then she had felt in years.

Jimmy began to move slowly, rolling his hips against her and Amelia drew her legs up higher, hooking her feet together. He gripped a thigh and pushed it back and she moaned, arching her back. He kissed her everywhere he could reach, shoving a hand into her hair as his thrusts become faster and she knew he wasn't going to last much longer, no matter the time they had. She was relishing the sensation of an act that was still so familiar after years apart when he groaned that he was sorry. He pushed his cock harder into her and she tightened around him, panting against his shoulder. She was so engulfed with pleasure as she came that at first she didn't notice that he was muttering words she couldn't understand.

He was finally pushed over the edge and shouted something as he stiffened and came. As he did he strangely placed a hand over her eyes until he was sated and slumped against her, panting for breath. Hot and sticky Amelia pushed against him gently and he rolled off with a groan. She blinked up at the ceiling, breath blowing out of her mouth. He cupped the side of her face and kissed her. Amelia turned to stare at him.

"What did you say?"

"Huh?" He was sleepy and happy but the sight of her troubled face made him sit up.

"You were saying something. I couldn't understand it."

He frowned "I didn't say anything." He started to laugh at her expression but then he grew sombre when she didn't smile. "I don't remember saying anything Amelia, I swear."

* * *

><p>"I'm not Castiel." He paced up and down as she sat on the end of the bed.<p>

"I know you're not Jimmy! I never said you were. I just - I'm just not certain that he's completely gone."

Jimmy stopped pacing and threw Amelia a troubled glance that grew dark. "I think I'd know if he was still in here."

"Would you, really?"

"You're not a vessel, Amelia, you don't know what it's like."

"Don't I?" She said it so softly that if he wasn't looking at her he might have missed it. He stopped and cocked his head. Then he remembered and winced.

"I'm sorry."

"You're right I don't know what its like to be you or Claire. Maybe it was different for you but when I was possessed I was aware of every second. I had to watch myself shot you - I -" She broke off, eyes starting to sting. Jimmy took her hand in his and kissed it, apologising.

"It's ok Ames. I'm sorry for snapping. I guess I'm still rattled...I don't want to believe that he's still here, I can't. I want to be Jimmy." He looked at her pitifully.

"You _are_Jimmy!"

"Do you really believe that? You've been suspicious of me since I moved in, you know you have. I don't blame you," he said quickly when she was about to argue, "I understand. I've been zoning out more and more, you say I'm talking in a strange language...I don't believe I'm still possessed but we need help. I wish we could call Sam or Dean." He looked at her glumly, defeated.

Amelia thought of the Winchesters but they still eluded them. Instead she considered another possibility.

"The Winchester's aren't the only hunters Jimmy."

* * *

><p>The first few months after Amelia's possession had been chaotic. The knowledge that her husband was alive but being used as a vessel gave Amelia conflicting emotions. She could finally put the doubt that he was dead to rest but anger just took its place. Anger that he was being used against his will; she had no illusions about that. She had heard Castiel blackmailing Jimmy into being his vessel again, offering him the choice of his own death or the abduction of his daughter's life. That was no choice.<p>

Consumed with growing paranoia at her own possession she had gone down paths that would lead her to an exorcism. She had found a bar full of hardened, weary people but found no answers to her predicament. She had asked if they knew about the Winchesters only to be answered with a stoic silence. No answers and feeling increasingly helpless she had drunk enough salt water to make her sick. Feeling drained and humiliated she finally got to a point where her head was clear. They had no exorcisms to give her because she didn't need one.

Maybe they would be more help to Jimmy.

"I asked them about angelic exorcism but they laughed at me." They were driving along a wide empty road, fields stretching out on either side of them for miles. Jimmy rode shotgun, staring out into the dusk as his wife explained. They had dropped Claire off at Amelia's parents and headed out to find a bar, a bar full of people that may point them towards answers.

"How did you even know where to look? This is out in the middle of nowhere."

"You have memories of your possession? Me to. The demon knew about this place and now so do I." She tapped her temple, speaking in a low, steady voice and he stared at her with pride. He knew she was more fragile then she appeared but he found her quiet strength impressive.

He stared out onto the road. "Well let's hope it's open." 

* * *

><p>"The Winchesters?"<p>

"Yes, have you heard of them?"

The bartender stared at them with narrowed eyes and shrugged. "Who's asking?" He sat a beer on the table which Jimmy took.

"Friends. We really need their help. I know my wife came here before and got no answers but I gotta try. This is important."

The bartender grunted, stared at them carefully and then sighed. "It's lucky you have a pretty face." The bartender winked and Jimmy turned to Amelia with his eyebrows raised. She smirked at him.

She looked hopefully at the bartender. "So do you have a number we could call?" He turned and shook his head. Jimmy and Amelia looked at each other in disappointment. The bartender narrowed his eyes at them, giving them a once over again.

"I don't have their numbers but I do have something else. Hang on a tic." He turned and picked up a phone. Amelia looked at Jimmy and pressed her hands together in prayer. Jimmy crossed his fingers.

"Hey, it's me Gus. Yeah I know it's late, don't you think I know that? Listen I got a couple down here asking after the Winchesters." He turned back to them quickly. "What's your names?"

"Jimmy and Amelia Novak." Jimmy listened to Gus repeat their names and then grew quiet, listening. Finally he sighed and looked at them. It wasn't a look Jimmy particular cared for. "Right, will do. Catch ya later Bobby." He hanged up.

Jimmy jumped to his feet. "Bobby? That was Bobby...Singer?"

Gus nodded, still with that watchful gaze. "Well you seem to know him but he's never heard of you."

Jimmy cursed. "Damn it! Of course he's never heard of me. Listen if you could just let me speak to him all this will be cleared up."

"You don't need to speak to him, I'm right here." Jimmy and Amelia whipped around to see a man standing at the other end of the bar. At the sight of Jimmy his eyes grew wide with shock.

"Cas?"

"Hello Bobby."

The sound of the gravelly voice beside her rooted Amelia to the spot. She looked at her husband and found someone else beside her instead. Not knowing what else to do she grabbed his hand and squeezed to the point her knuckles became white. He gasped and pulled his hand away, looking at her in confusion. "What was that for?"

Amelia felt a wave of relief and took a seat weakly. Bobby walked up to them, his gaze fixed on Jimmy.

"You're alive. Where the hell have you been Cas?"

Jimmy blinked, embarrassed and cleared his throat. "I'm not Castiel. My name is Jimmy Novak. This is my wife, Amelia." Amelia smiled at Bobby who stared at her like Jimmy had just called her Cleopatra. Jimmy offered his hand which Bobby stared at.

"You expect me to believe that?"

Jimmy frowned. "Uh, yeah? Why wouldn't you?"

"Oh because the last time anyone saw you alive you were jammed full of the most evil sons of bitches in creation?" He suddenly pulled a gun on Jimmy and the bar cleared in seconds.

Jimmy blinked in shock and for a moment the world reeled. "W - what?" He groped behind him and Amelia was at his back immediately, shepherding him into a chair. He was overcome with a feeling of dread, a ghost of a nightmare. "I - I hid in my house."

"What? What do you mean? Jimmy are you ok?" She kneeled at his side, gripping his shaking hands in hers. He shook his head and would say no more. Amelia turned to Bobby with fierce eyes.

"Will you lower your damn gun? We're not the enemy! Jimmy has amnesia and there are things, horrible things that he doesn't remember. We came here for help, not to be threatened."

Bobby lowered his gun slowly, looking conflicted. "This isn't personal sweetheart. I can't just take your word that he's safe."

"I've lived with him for months, with my child. Do you think I'd let him near either of us if I thought he was dangerous? This is Jimmy. Not Castiel and not a demon."

Jimmy wearily lifted his head. "She's telling you the truth Bobby. I'm messed up but I'd never hurt anyone. You can pour all the salt you want and do the rituals, I don't care. If - if there is something wrong with me then I'll volunteer for it."

Bobby dropped his gun and sighed, pulling a chair up. "You ain't possessed. With the number of demon repealing charms in here you would have been toast as soon as you walked in." He sat and stared at them, eyes roving over Jimmy's pale face. "I'm sorry, this is just a little strange. God, even seeing you in different clothes is throwing me for a loop!"

Jimmy managed to smile, looking down at his shirt and jeans. "Yeah, I wanted to burn the suit when I remembered how long I'd been wearing it." Jimmy and Amelia explained to Bobby everything they could, leading up to what brought them to the bar. When they had finished they were the only ones still there, the bartender having asked Bobby to shut up shop for the night when they were done. Bobby informed them that he was living there temporarily.

"So you think Castiel is still in there?"

Jimmy shrugged. "I don't know. I have all these memories and some of them aren't mine. Maybe that's just all it is, a trace of the things he knew and did. The amnesia mixed everything together. Maybe he's really gone." He knew there was an edge of desperation to his voice but he didn't care. He was desperate, this was his life.

Bobby was slumped back in his chair, as if the weight of their story had sapped him of strength. Or he was just tired. "Angel exorcism?" He snorted and sat up straight. "I haven't heard of it being done before. Demons yeah but that's different."

"How is it different? They're both vessels, both 'meat suits'." Amelia sounded bitter. Jimmy raised his brows and stared at her.

"There is a world of difference between them. For one it's a lot harder to summon an angel then a demon and you're talking about exorcising one? Angels are far more powerful then demons. It's like comparing a Bic lighter to a pillar of fire."

Amelia slumped in disappointment. "So there's nothing you can do?"

Bobby turned to her, looking a little affronted. "Now I didn't say that. An exorcism might not be possible but there are other ways to smoke out an angel."

Jimmy didn't like the sound of that. "Like what?"

"Like with a ring of holy fire."

* * *

><p>They slept on a pull out sofa bed, Bobby demanding that they stay the night. Claire should be safe with her parents but even so Amelia would feel more at ease with her daughter there with them.<p>

"She's fine. No demon is a match against Sally." Amelia smiled at the thought of her icy mother. She turned to look into Jimmy's face. Neither of them could sleep.

"I know. I'm sure Claire will be jealous that she couldn't hang out in bar full of grouchy men."

Jimmy chuckled softly against her cheek and pulled her against him. Her eyes closed but he couldn't attempt sleep. He bit his lip but was unable to keep silent.

"It happened again, didn't it? Down in the bar?" He watched her eyes open and she stared at the ceiling before flicking her gaze to him. She nodded.

"Do you remember?"

"No, I just zoned out again. It's happening more and more..."

Amelia threaded her fingers through his hair gently. "If this thing works tomorrow then you won't have to worry about zoning out again."

He blinked at her. "So you do think I'm Castiel?"

"No. Do you think I'd be lying next to you if I thought that? I think there might be traces of him that need to be removed."

"You make him sound like a virus."

Amelia's gaze became cool. "Does that bother you?"

He remained silent, not wanting an argument. The truth was she just didn't get it. Her own demonic possession had clouded her judgement. She only saw the bad that Castiel had inflicted on their life and while he knew she had every right to be angry he felt a part of him wanting to stick up for the angel."

"I believe he's gone Amelia, he has to be because if he isn't...I don't wanna leave again."

"Who said anything about leaving?"

"But if this isn't me then how can you -"

She placed a finger against his lips, shaking her head. "No. Listen to me. I know things are fucked up and what we had before is gone. Good. I don't want things to be like before. I know this sounds nuts but I've never felt so assured in us as I do now. I think that you're still fundamentally you, Jimmy. You have agency, you can make your own decisions. This is your body, your mind and you have control over whether you leave or not. I don't care if sometimes I'm staring at another man. If it means we stay together then I'll live with it. I won't leave you."

He stared at her in astonishment and felt a great surge of affection for her. "I love you. Whatever happens tomorrow I just want you to know that."

"I know and the day after tomorrow you can tell me again." She kissed him goodnight and curled up beside him. Jimmy inhaled deeply and closed his eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

Dawn brought in a windy day that ushered in storm clouds on the horizon. Jimmy stared nervously down the dirt road, watching the dust cloud making its way closer and fidgeted with his wedding ring.

"That should be them."

Bobby had called the Winchesters while he and Amelia had slept. They were bringing the holy oil with them and whatever else they needed to perform the ritual. Jimmy wanted to see them but was anxious. What would happen if he saw them?

"The yard is ready." Amelia stood behind him, watching the car come to a stop and Sam and Dean get out. Sam hanged back but Dean walked forward until he was a foot away from Jimmy. He stared at him intently, his eyes narrowed.

"Cas?"

Jimmy was prepared to say no but something stopped him. Instead he shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe."

"Maybe? I - we - thought you were dead. There was no body. After what happened -"

Jimmy stopped him. "I don't know what happened but from what Amelia tells me it was bad. Don't tell me anymore because I'd rather remember on my own." He didn't want to break down in front of them, if it came to that. Jimmy stared at Amelia. "I don't know who I really am but I know I want to be Jimmy." He watched Dean nod, his face still serious but he managed to smile.

"Well, it's good to see you again man. Whatever you're calling yourself." For a moment Jimmy thought Dean was going to hug him but instead he looked at Amelia and lifted a hand in greeting. "Hi. Long time no see."

"It's been awhile...have you eaten?" Amelia gestured towards the kitchen but Dean shook his head.

Sam came towards them, caring a small jug. "We're good, thanks." He stared at Jimmy. "You ready?"

"No." 

* * *

><p>Sam poured the oil around Jimmy as he sat with his legs crossed on the ground. The others stood before him.<p>

"The first thing you remember was standing by a river in Illinois?" Sam threw him a lighter which Jimmy used to light a bowl of incense. He had to get into a trance while they lit the holy oil. How this would help him he wasn't to sure but Jimmy inhaled deeply anyway, his head already beginning to feel light.

"No, the first thing I remember is...water. I was drowning." He felt his stomach knot at the memory but with every lungful of the fumes below he felt more detached. He blinked and tried to focus. "I feel like I'm getting high."

"You are. Now close your eyes and try to relax." Bobby stood beside Amelia who watched her husband nervously.

"This won't hurt him, will it?"

"Only if Cas is in there and he tries to go through the flames. If he has any sense he won't."

Jimmy closed his eyes and exhaled. As he did he felt a woosh of heat surrounding him and heard the quiet crackle of flames. Suddenly he couldn't move but any panic he felt was far away and numb. He could faintly hear voices and the sound of the wind but soon that faded into silence. 

* * *

><p>It wasn't a complete silence but rather a hush, the absence of people and the world around. There was a comforting weight to it, like the sensation you feel just before falling asleep.<p>

Jimmy became aware that he was on his feet and his eyes were still closed. He opened them and found himself standing in the hall of his old house. He was stood before a mirror and stared at his reflection. He was dressed in his familiar trench coat and suit. He stared down at his hand to find his old wedding ring on. This was the night he left, the night he agreed to be a vessel.

"If you hadn't gone would things have been better?"

Jimmy looked up at the mirror and spotted a man standing behind him. He spun around only to find himself looking at his twin. "It's you."

Castiel nodded and then looked away from Jimmy's eyes, as if the sight was too much for him. He was dressed in jeans and a grey t-shirt and seemed embarrassed, like a child caught playing dress up.

Jimmy came closer and looked around the living room. Nothing had changed. He stared up towards the ceiling. "This is my old house. Have we gone back in time?"

"No…This is hard to explain." A sense of humiliation seemed to pulse around Castiel like an aura. Jimmy regarded him intently. There were dark rings around his eyes and he looked depressed. It was beyond strange to see himself in such a state.

"What's going on? What's wrong with you?" Castiel smiled weakly and shrugged. He sat down and after a moment Jimmy sat opposite. The angel continued to smile in a mysterious way which Jimmy found annoying.

"You know who I am; you know where you are..."

Jimmy sat back, stunned. He remembered. He had been expecting a hammer blow when he finally had his memories back but this was different. It was as if the past few months were like stepping into a room and realising you've forget why you're there. Sometimes the memory never returns but sometimes it strikes you again with clarity. The puzzle pieces had come together as if never disarrayed. Jimmy's gaze became hard.

"You used me."

"I'm sorry."

"You killed people; you used me to kill people!"

Castiel sat there in dejection and didn't attempt to argue. "I did. I was out of control."

Jimmy leaned over, his head in his hands. "The first time I agreed to be a vessel I thought I was being used to do God's work. I thought I was helping and any sacrifices I had to make were worth it. I abandoned my family to help you."

"I know. You're my true vessel but I wanted you to have no attachments. I didn't want you to feel that you were giving your life up. Even so I - I thought you wanted more, you kept praying for it. I never meant to hurt you Jimmy. I always tried to do the best by my friends."

"You have a funny way of showing it." He looked away from Castiel and down, staring at his attire and then laughed. "_I_ have a funny way of showing it...we're both screwed up." Saying it aloud to a version of himself was not a little masochistic but it needed to be said. Castiel didn't really know what it was to be human, to have attachments in the sense that Jimmy has them. Maybe that has changed; maybe his experiences have changed him, as they had done to Jimmy. Jimmy gazed at the angel slumped in the armchair. "You look terrible."

"I feel it." Castiel stared at his hands and slowly shook his head. "I wanted to die in that lake. I would have let us die but you stopped me."

"How?"

"You - uh - you took the steering wheel away from me. You took control, which you should always have had. It wasn't my decision whether you should live or die. It never has been."

"I'm in control now? I wanna believe that but how can I? I don't know if you're a ghost or a memory or what. I still don't know who I am."

Castiel smiled faintly and sat up. He looked sick and weak but the force of his gaze had lost none of its power. "You're Jimmy Novak, you always have been but now...you're just a little bit more."

"What do you mean?" Jimmy stared across at the image of himself and felt his mind do a strange flip, as if trying to shake him into sanity. Castiel considered him, his gaze sharp and then titled his head. Jimmy experienced a very surreal sense of deja vu.

"Identity is an odd thing, especially for someone like me. Humans either cling fiercely to an identity or pick and chose, discarding them like masks. Angels are not very different from one another. Or at least we try not to be, we follow orders, we do our jobs. Most of us have no concept of free will. The ones that were different, the rebels, were just too human and they were punished for it. I couldn't comprehend why they would want to be like you but I didn't understand back then."

"So some of them wanted to be more like humans?"

Castiel nodded. "Most of them would never admit to it, even as they yearned for the freedoms and experiences that you have...In the old days, when we first started using vessels it was different. We didn't separate ourselves from them like we do now. Back then angel and vessel would co exist, sharing all thought and feeling simultaneously. It proved to be a bad idea."

"A bad idea? Why?"

Castiel remained silent for some time and Jimmy felt he was deliberating what to say. Finally he sighed. "You remember the Genesis passage 6:2, don't you?"

Jimmy tried to remember and found that it came easily to mind. "The sons of God saw the daughters of man and saw that they were fair..."

"And they took for themselves wives of all whom they chose." Castiel finished with a far away look in his eyes.

Jimmy felt something prickle unpleasantly within him. "So you came to Earth to take women?"

Castiel regarded him with a gaze so heavy with condescension that he felt himself grow smaller under it. Small and silly. "No I did not and neither did they. As if it could be as simple as that. The wives were merely a part of something much larger at play." His gaze became warmer, gentler as he continued to explain. "They got to experience what no other angel could, the emotions and thoughts of their vessel fed into their own minds, changing it."

"Are you trying to say _I've_ changed _you?_" Jimmy couldn't believe it, not after the way he had been behaving for the last few months.

Castiel nodded. "And I've changed you. For some it got...complicated. There were no barriers separating what the vessel feels and what the angel feels, there was no difference. After awhile the human identity became subsumed by the angel and vice-versa. If the angel managed to leave the vessel usually went mad or became catatonic."

"So...that's what's happening to us - to me?"

Castiel nodded, looking even more wretched. "I'm sorry."

"But - but this didn't happen last time. There was me and there was you, no confusion."

"Things are different now." He looked around the room and sighed. Jimmy noticed for the first time that the window behind Castiel showed a snowy garden, a garden that shouldn't be there.

"Where are we? The main street should be out there but it's not."

"You still don't know where we are?"

"I know this house, I think we hid in here but I jut don't know _where_ we are." His memories must not be all back, even if he feels a strange sense of completeness. Castiel got to his feet. Jimmy followed him to the front door which Castiel moved to open. When his hand touched the handle Jimmy was suddenly hit with fear.

"Don't! Don't open it."

Castiel turned to him and let his hand drop. "Everything is perfectly safe now. We're alone."

"But something bad was out there?"

Castiel nodded, looking serious. "Yes. The souls were out there."

"The Leviathan...Purgatory...I remember" Jimmy slumped against the wall, squeezing his eyes shut. He slid down to sit on the floor. "We're in my head, my soul? I don't know what to call it."

"Your soul is the best way to describe this place, though it's not perfect." Jimmy looked up to see Castiel sitting beside him. He only had dim memories of the creatures that overtook his soul and he suspected that was down to Castiel.

"I used to have nightmares but I could never really hang onto them. They would fade. You're stopping me from remembering, aren't you?"

"I remember enough for the both of us and I deserve to be punished with it. You don't." He looked up, his eyes wide and haunted. "That's why I put you in here, so you would be safe."

Jimmy stared at the door in worry. "You're sure it's safe? They're all gone?"

"Yes. It's just us now."

They stayed quiet for a long time. Castiel preferred the silence after the utter chaos he had been exposed to. Jimmy assimilated what he had heard, trying to come to terms with it but he found himself shying away from acceptance. He turned to Castiel instead who was at once a very surreal sight but also the most normal thing in the world. This was the image of Jimmy just lounging around, making himself comfortable.

"Why do you look like me? It's a little weird."

Castiel looked down at his body and shrugged. "Angels don't have bodies and I guess I've got used to being you."

"Why are you dressed like that?"

"Because you wanted me to? I don't know Jimmy, this is your subconscious, your party as Dean would say. I did pick this place to stay in. I hoped that if I hid in this memory you wouldn't notice me."

Jimmy frowned, not evening attempting to work out what the angel meant. "This is all very existential Cas...So you tried to hide from me after the lake? So we wouldn't...converge?"

Castiel nodded. "Tried and failed."

Jimmy narrowed his eyes. "I would zone out before. That was you?"

"Yes. Sometimes I would get close to the surface, get too caught up. Sometimes I have no control over it." Castiel looked at him sheepishly and Jimmy suddenly felt a swell of quilt building up in his chest. He realised with a shock that he was feeling what Castiel was.

"This is freaking me out Cas...why are you here, why haven't you gone back to Heaven?"

"Haven't you guessed?" Jimmy shook his head and Castiel looked away. He stared at the wallpaper with hard eyes. "I can't leave even if I wanted to. I'm not as powerful as I was...and because I'm a coward. I tried to place myself above God, I killed my brothers and sisters and betrayed my friends. I failed to control the Leviathan and now they're out there wreaking havoc and it's all my fault."

"You're scared?"

"I'm ashamed...and yes I'm frightened." He fell silent and Jimmy didn't break it. He thought over what Castiel had said, thought of all he had done and wanted to feel angry at him but he couldn't, not to the extent to which he should. He was an angel and Jimmy knew his real existence was one he couldn't even imagine but he also knew that the man beside him was naive and inexperienced in so many ways. He knew he was in terrible pain and sorrier then he could say. Jimmy realised that he was the only person who could truly believe that because he could _feel_ it.

He put an arm around Castiel's shoulders who jumped a little and turned to Jimmy in surprise. Jimmy smiled at him. "You might be a million years old but you're still an idiot."

Castiel looked at him in astonishment. "What? If this was the old me I'd probably smite you." There was a small quirk at the corner of his mouth.

Jimmy pulled Castiel to his feet. "Then we'd both be up the creek, wouldn't we?" He felt a strange bubbling sensation welling up inside him as he stared at the mirror image of himself; but it was more then that. It was as if he had gone back all those years to the man who was about to leave his family and while he couldn't change that outcome he could let his sense of quilt go. The thought was bordering on insane but it felt right and true. This was his party after all. He gripped Castiel's shoulders and looked him square in the eye.

"I forgive you."

"You...forgive me?"

"Yes. I'm not even a religious man anymore. I might even stop believing in you. You'd be in trouble then."

Castiel looked perplexed. "Jimmy are you feeling all right?"

"I think so!" After months of confusion and doubt he finally felt that he knew everything that he was likely to. He felt...free. Jimmy walked to the door and looked back at Castiel. "I know you want to fix your mistakes but you can't do it hiding in here. We're going to work together, ok? I know that you don't want to face them but I need you to. I need you to speak to Amelia."

"Why?"

"Because I think she hates you and I can't live with it. If you're really here to stay then you have to...well, you have to be friends."

Ask him to face down the hordes of hell he doesn't flinch, ask him to talk to his wife he becomes a stuttering mess. "I uh, I - I don't think that's a good idea."

"Well I have to try something because I'm not leaving them because of you." He stared with a flinty gaze and Castiel nodded seriously.

"I won't drive her away, I promise but," he grimaced, uncomfortable, "I don't know how to be around her. Everything you feel for her I also feel. I think there should be strict guidelines to avoid any...embarrassment."

"Guidelines?" Jimmy wasn't even sure if that was possible, it would have to be put to the test. As would his trust. "If I let you take the wheel, would you give it back?"

"Yes! You have my word. I'll only do as you instruct, I'm your servant." He looked at Jimmy with fierce determination but it started to fade into unease again. "I want to make sure that you understand Jimmy. I will take the back seat for most of your life, I promise I will try not to wrestle for what is not mine but sometimes I'll take an active role. The longer this lasts the more the lines blur. There may come a point that neither of us has any idea who we are or one of us will fight for dominance."

Jimmy didn't like the sound of that but those scenarios were all if, buts and maybes. "I accept it, whatever_ may_ happen. I want to live my life with my family and I'm not going to abandon it. I've made my choice."

Castiel sighed and moved towards the door and gazed at Jimmy seriously for a long time before the other man nodded in go ahead. Jimmy opened the door and Castiel walked through it.


	7. Chapter 7

Amelia looked up as the sun, a dim coin of light glowing through the dark clouds and then back at the ring of fire. It had been hours and Jimmy hadn't moved. He was breathing deep and evenly so he appeared to be ok but Amelia had to stop herself from jumping over the flames and waking him.

"He'll come back when he's ready and not before." Bobby had set out some chairs for them to sit on while they waited. He had fallen asleep in his an hour ago but she and Dean had taken to prowling around the fire, watching Jimmy closely.

"You know Castiel, don't you? Better then I do."

Dean looked across the ring to her. She thought he wasn't going to answer but he nodded. "Yeah. He was like family to us but..."

"But what?"

"But he's more human than he realises and he made mistakes. And when you're an angel those mistakes can be big."

"I saw the footage of him killing those people -"

"That wasn't him, that was Leviathan. Like I said he did some fucked up things but he was out of his mind. Last time I saw him he regretted it and I believe him."

"You believed him but can you trust him again? Can I?"

Dean stopped and gazed at her intensely. Amelia didn't look away. Finally he shrugged. "There's a part of me that says I shouldn't, after what happened but I want to because he was my friend. Should you trust him? That's up to you but I'm gonna give him a chance...hey, I think he's waking up. " He pointed at Jimmy and stood back, waking Bobby with a shout. Amelia moved to face her husband, her stomach twisting painfully. As he slowly got to his feet she stopped breathing.

"Jimmy?" Dean squinted.

"It's Castiel, in a way..."

Amelia exhaled out a pained noise and stared straight up at the cloudy sky. Her eyes prickled with tears and she closed them, willing herself to look back down. Hands clenched she opened her eyes. He was staring at her, still surrounded by fire.

"Where's Jimmy?"

"He's here. He's allowed me to come to the fore now but he has complete control. He can come back anytime he wants and I...fade back."

"Jimmy's letting you do this again? Really?" She was shaking and he made a step towards her but stopped. He looked fiercely at Dean who nodded and reached for some water.

"I'm telling you the truth Amelia."

"Right." She turned on her heel, unable to stare at him any longer and hurried around the building, heading for her car. The flames were quenched and Castiel moved after her only to find himself grabbed and hugged fiercely.

"We thought you were dead you silly bastard." Dean slapped his back a few times and let go. He smiled at him and Castiel returned it awkwardly.

"It's good to see you Dean, all of you. I've returned to help you clean up my mess." He looked over Dean's shoulder and saw Amelia walking further away. "I - uh- I need to do something. Will you be here later on? There's something Jimmy told me I had to do and I don't want to disappoint him on my first task."

Dean and Sam nodded. "Yeah, we'll be here. You better go after her." They watched Castiel walk away and then break into a run. Dean watched him reach her car and turned to Sam. "On a scale of one to ten how freaking awkward do you think that conversation is going to be?"

"I'm pretty sure the scale is broken when it comes to Cas."

* * *

><p>Amelia twisted the key in the ignition, willing the car to start when the back door was opened and Castiel quickly got in. She gripped the stirring wheel.<p>

"Get out."

"No. I'm sorry but you have to listen to me."

"Because Jimmy asked you to?"

"Yes."

"Bullshit." Amelia gritted her teeth, fuming and unable to stay there any longer pulled out of the lot and into the road. "Why would he agree to be your vessel again?"

"Because neither of us have any other choice."

"What are you taking about?"

Taking it as a good sign that she was even talking to him he explained as best he could about the souls he had ingested and the damage it had ultimately caused.

"I wanted to shield Jimmy from the things that came out of Purgatory. So we created a safe place for him to stay, separate from them. He knew he was safe as long as he didn't venture out."

"What place?" She had calmed down but she still stared at him with hooded, hostile eyes.

"It's complicated. We created a secure place inside him, which was like your old house. I thought he'd feel more at home there. But then I no longer had control and I found myself in the house with Jimmy. The Leviathan had taken over and the vessel, Jimmy, was dying. They went into the water and we were left to drown. We should be dead but I managed to save him with what power I still have. It was a slow process but we lived."

"You keep saying _we_."

"I know, I'm finding pronouns very confusing at the moment."

Amelia looked at him in the rear-view mirror with annoyance. "You're not making any sense."

"I'm trying to but this isn't a sensible situation. I keep saying _we_because there isn't a single identity anymore. We have become converged." He lifted a hand to stop her talking and Amelia bit her lip. She couldn't concentrate on two things at once so pulled over at the side of the road. She turned in her seat to stare at him. He was dressed exactly as before, he looked the same. The difference was his voice which was much lower.

"Converged?"

He nodded. "I'm a part of Jimmy now...and he's a part of me. I have remembered, felt and experienced everything he has. We've gone through an amalgamation." He slipped his fingers together so that they become interlocked. Amelia stared at his hands and slowly shook her hand.

"That's not acceptable."

"It's not but it's the reality you're faced with. I want to make this clear so please listen." He leaned closer to her, his gaze intense and unflinching. "This is Jimmy's body and his mind; I don't make decisions without his say so or act without his acknowledgment. He has the wheel 90% of the time."

"And what am I to do with that 10%? You say you only act in accordance to Jimmy's wishes but I know for a _fact_that's not true." She stared at him with a hard, hot gaze and he sat back suddenly. He cleared his throat.

"Before - that was an accident. I couldn't -"

"We had sex. That was you." She had known, she had suspected for so long but still she never stopped herself. Amelia pushed her fingers roughly through her hair, confused and shamed. "How can I even look at you - at _him_again?" She corrected herself with a furious hiss.

He reached for her hand and took it suddenly with a pained expression. Amelia froze but didn't pull away. She was as taut as a bowstring. "You are looking at him, he's aware of everything we're saying. Whatever he experiences, so do I. Do you understand? I'm sorry if I've made you feel uncomfortable."

"I don't want to share those experiences with you, whoever you claim to be. I just want Jimmy. Why can't you leave? For good?"

"I can't, I've tried. My...battery is dead, if that analogy will do? I'm here right at this moment to help put my wrongs to right, if I can. After that your husband will be back."

She pulled her hand out of his with a jerk. "You killed people; I saw it on the news."

He looked ashamed. "I had the power of a god and I thought I was one. I was acting accordingly. Those people were murderers, rapists and hypocrites."

"You can't murder someone because they're hypocrites."

"I know that but you have to understand that I wasn't thinking straight. When you're that powerful you see the world differently. Everything becomes so small...maybe that's why my father left." He fell into a thoughtful silence.

"You healed people, I saw that to." She says it grudgingly and he takes it as a good sign. He smiled but it was weak.

"Yes. I wanted to help. I didn't do enough." He sadly stared at the fields around them, lost in his mind. The storm above them was oddly quiet but as rain started to splash down there was a rumble of thunder in the distance.

Amelia continued to stare at him for a long time. She tried to process what he had told her, tried to accept it but she couldn't. He was Jimmy and simultaneously Castiel?

"This is all too much."

He looked back at her with sympathy. "I know. I hope in time it gets easier. If it makes you feel any better this is very strange for me."

She raised her brow sardonically. "I'll bet." She sighed and rubbed her eyes, drained. "So this is it, you're here to stay?" She watched him nod and felt the first stages of a weary acceptance grow within her. "What am I going to say to Claire? I wish Jimmy had talked to me first."

"He was nervous. He didn't want you to leave him because of this."

"I told him I wouldn't and I'm not. So you're here to sort out whatever mess you've created and then you'll go away?"

Castiel nodded. "Yes." He gazed at her with a soft, oddly tender look and Amelia shifted in her seat.

"What?"

"I just felt...I'll miss you. He cares about you. I mean he loves you...I felt that." He stared at her with an expression that Amelia couldn't handle. She turned in her seat and placed her hands on the wheel.

"Ok that is not something I'm comfortable with. What you feel is just...moonlight; it's just a weak reflection from the sun. It's not your own."

"Maybe..."

"There is no maybe. You being here permanently is something I have to adapt to but make no mistake: I'm not your wife."

"I never said you were." He sighed and leaned close again. "I don't want us to get off on the wrong foot. Jimmy wanted us to be friends. That's all I want." He awkwardly offered his hand and Amelia stared down at it.

"Friends?" She looked into his eyes and they were fundamentally her husband's but for a strange ethereal gleam. It struck her as a very sad, haunted gaze and she found herself feeling pity for him. Her fingertips brushed against his for a moment before she pulled her hand back. "Friendship is not something that you ask for."

"But Jimmy -"

"I know what Jimmy said but I'm sorry it's just not that simple. I need time." She turned back and started the car again.

Castiel sat back in his seat, resigned as the rain fell heavier. "I understand. I hope in time you'll come to trust me, though I know I don't deserve it. I've made a huge mess of things."

"That's an understatement." Amelia drove slowly, her gaze flicking to watch him every so often. He looked like Jimmy, there was nothing different about him but she couldn't take her eyes off him. She willed herself to watch the wet road, her hands wrapped tightly around the steering wheel. She would deal with this situation, she had told Jimmy as much if this happened but it was proving so much harder then she imagined.

Driving faster through the rain to reach her parent's house Amelia took a final glimpse of the strange amalgam that made up her husband and focused on the way ahead with a steely resolve.

* * *

><p><em>Thanks for reading and reviewing, it's meant a lot! As you can see it's an open ending so if inspiration strikes I'll write more :)<em>


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